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I've decided to make my journal friends only from the next entry onwards. If you would like to be added, please comment on this entry and I will consider doing so.

EDIT: Ah, sorry, I didn't mean I was deleting everyone from my flist! I just mean any future entries will be viewable by people on my flist only. Sorry for any confusion. :)

Quick mood update and a bad dream...

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Was wakened by my mum at 11 today and have never been so happy to wake up in my puff. Was having a terrible dream about being chased by real-life manga-style people with an assortment of weapons. They were out to get me for reasons I can't remember. I had weapons too (echoes of Battle Royale, probably, though I've not watched it for ages), but I particularly remember having loads of hand-held knives à la V for Vendetta. Unfortunately, every time I expertly threw a knife straight into someone's chest, yeah they'd fall down for a moment and look dead, but then they'd just get straight back up again and come after me. It was one of those nightmares so all-consumingly terrifying that I wasn't able to wake up. As I say, I was SO grateful that my mum woke me when she did because otherwise I seriously thought I'd die. Meh. I just finished watching Silence of the Lambs, so maybe I'll have a dream about ponies, ice-cream and sweeties tonight.

Mood: well, I hate my clothes or anything else touching my skin today. I am severely irritated and quite depressed. I'd give it a minus 2, but with extra irritation and anger added.



Just a quick mood update for today in case I forget: I'd give today a -2. Not as bad as yesterday by any means...but not too great either. Maybe it had something to do with being out in the rain for 3 hours at a barbecue today for my friend Lyndsay's birthday (yes, a barbecue, you did read my journal correctly).


+ 4

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Just a quick mood update. Also, Happy Easter to you all, I hope it was a good one! :)




Feel a bit bleugh today. Don't know if it's the effects of an increase in medication or if it's more of a psychological thing, but I feel crap. I feel like I could have a good cry...but at nothing in particular, so what's the sodding point? Was going to go to the gym today, but what I might do instead is take the dogs on an extra long walk and make some sushi for my mum coming home (which I'm pretty sure she can eat). I know that probably sounds like a weird way to cheer myself up, but I'm pretty sure it would work. I do have a weigh-in tonight, so I should be even more determined to go to the gym than usual, but I just feel crap. Sorry world, I am having a day off. :-(

Edit: Can't really be bothered to go to the work of making sushi. Also, I just remembered I'm having dinner with my friends Michael and Victoria tonight, so it would be a bit silly to make shitloads of sushi if no one's going to eat it (usually my dad is the biggest consumer, but he's on Atkins right now so rice is out of the window). Think I'll go and get wine and cake to take over to M and V's then have a long shower. I feel like I need it.



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1. I tag...whoever wants to do it.

2. What is your most guilty pleasure? - I occasionally watch a bit of Jeremy Kyle in the morning. It's a bollocks talk show, but at least it requires no concentration first thing in the morning.

3. Have you ever seen someone die? - No

4. Are you confused as to what lies ahead of you? - Ya-huh.

5. What was the last book you read for pleasure and would you recommend it? - "Brown Owl's Guide to Life". Yes, it was good enough I suppose, just a bit "old" for me.

6. Name a personal hero - My family. Really.

7. If a person you like doesn't feel the same way, would you continue to wait for them to change their feelings? - No - waste of time.

8. If a person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do? - Nothing, no point.

9. Is there anything that made you unhappy recently? - The most recent thing was the meds adjustment.

10. What do you want most in life? - A fulfilling career and enough money to be *comfortable*.

11. Which of the 7 Deadly Sins do you think you relates to the most & why? - Gluttony. I eat like a pig. Always.

12. If you find out that your best friend is going out with your boy friend / girl friend, how would you react? - Just have nothing more to do with both of them.

13. Who is currently the most important person to you? - I say it again: my fanmily. I know that's more than one person, but that's the nature of them.

14. What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? - Do you mean an African or a European swallow?

15. If you could keep any animal for a pet, what would you keep? - I'd keep ONE dog. A smallish one.

16. Count Libido's question: What is your idea of Paradise? - Rum served in a coconut, lots of sun and no worries for a few weeks.

17. Would you give your all in a relationship? - I always have in the I might be a bit more cagey.

18. Do you have a motto? - No, but I wouldn't mind having one.

19. What type of friends do you like? - I don't go for a "type" of friend. Usually I make friends with people who share my interests.

20. Do you have an all time favourite song? - Sweet Child O' Mine is certainly up there...though I have about a million favourite songs.


Oh, arse. +3

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Why, oh why? Dr Brogan has decided today that I'm still not *level* enough and need another increase in my Depakote (that's my mood stabiliser) to 750mg twice daily. I don't know if that's a good idea and did say so at the time, but he seemed to think I needed it. My quibbles, not that they did me any good, were as follows:

1. It'll sedate me to hell and back. I already feel mightily dampened by what I have now and can barely think as it is.

2. I am a bit worried that taking so many prescription drugs might adversely affect my physical health in the long term, even though it's actually quite good right now.

3. I may be deprived of what little imagination and creativity I have left.

I tried to explain to the doc that sometimes maybe some of the stuff I say and do is actually just what a normal 27-year-old would do in the same situation, as opposed to a "high", but he doesn't agree. Balls. He's still a really nice guy though, and at least listens to my questions, which I keep reminding myself of. My last psychiatrist was such an arrogant man, looking back on it.

I also have to go on CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) again, oh joy. I hated it the last time. Apparently the doc thinks that it would help me to sort out my thoughts and emotions. I am also to keep a mood diary, which he says he'll send me in the post. I've to rate my mood from -5 to +5 every day, but as far as I understand that's about it. I don't know exactly why I've to do so, probably so the doc can gauge when I go back in six weeks' time whether his medication adjustments are taking effect.

This is where I get very obstinate, and forgive me in advance: I have the metaphorical "little devil" on my shoulder right now saying "Go on, you don't have to hand the note in to your GP, you could just TELL the psychiatrist you were taking the right dosage and he'd be none the wiser". I know I should, and no doubt I'll convince myself somehow that I've got to do what the psychiatrist says, but I really hate feeling NOTHING. It sucks ass. And I'm about to feel even less.

Porcupine Tree, anyone?Collapse )

Not a lot...

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Fairly uneventful day. Had lunch with my friend Helen in the Garrion Bridge garden centre and looked at antiques for a while (not with a view to buying, you understand). There wasn't much there to be honest. Came home, and Bailey had been to the vet's with my dad and had his stitches removed from his ear. He's still wearing the big silly cone though, which is a good laugh. Yes, I know it's a shame to laugh at a poor little animal, but I'm in a weird mood today.

Went to an exercise class called Body Jam tonight and can barely feel my legs now. I think when I go to the gym that I "work out"...well, I don't.


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December 2008


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